I Dream Now Travel Blog

Alcoholic Traveler gives Alcohol warnings, Bar Translations, Drinking Jokes, Quotes, Beer Anthem, and Drunk Test

Carmen told me her name was fitting because she likes both Cars and Men; I told her to call me Beer Sex from now on.  So let’s get to it, here are some funny jokes, warnings, and bar translations for those who love to drink.  First, please rise for the Beer anthem.  Remember, beauty is in the eye of the beer holder…                      “All right, brain, I don’t like you and you don’t like me - so let’s just do this and I’ll get back to killing you with beer”. –Homer Simpson                                                                                                                                                                                         Beer Anthem: Our lager, Which art in barrels, Hallowed be Thy drink, Thy will be drunk, (I will be drunk), At home as I am in the tavern. Give us this day our foamy head, And forgive us our spillages, As we forgive those who spill against us, And lead us not to incarceration, But deliver us from hangovers, For thine is the beer, The bitter and the lager, Forever and ever, Barmen.                                                                                                                                                                                            “He was a wise man who invented beer”. –Plato                                                                              “Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.” –Benjamin Franklin                                 A Few Warnings for Alcoholics:  Warning: Consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy                                                                                                                                                                                         “Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut”. –Ernest Hemmingway                                                                                                                              Warning: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a wanker, may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your clothes, may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning, may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting, may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose name, and/or species you can’t remember), cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, may lead you to believe that people are laughing with you,                                                                                                                                                                                                     “I drink to make other people interesting”. –George Jean Nathan                                                      “You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on”. –Dean Martin                                                             A few quick Bar Jokes: Two blondes walk into the bar….You’d think one of them would of seen it!                       Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his barstool and lay motionless on the floor. “One thing about Jim,” his buddy said to the bartender, “He knows when to stop.”                                                                                                                                                               Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.  What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
One less drunk.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 “If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose”. –Deep Thought, Jack Handy                                                                                                            “An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools”. –For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemmingway                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             BAR ROOM TRANSLATIONS

• “You get this round and the next round is on me.”
  (I’ll be leaving before the next round.) 
• “Hey, where is that friend of yours?”
  (I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.)
• “Can I get a glass of white zinfandel?” (Female)
  (I’m easy.)
• “Can I get a glass of white zinfandel?” (male)
  (I’m gay.)
• “Ever try a body shot?” (Male to female)
  (I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.)
• “Ever try a body shot?” (Female to male)
  (If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I’ll do to you on the ride home?)
• “I don’t feel well, let’s go home.” (Female)
  (You are paying more attention to your friends than me.)
• I don’t feel well, let’s go home.” (Male)
  (I’m horny.)
• “Who’s got the next round?”
  (I haven’t bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.)
•  “Excuse Me.” (Male to male)
  (Get the hell out of the way.)
•  “Excuse Me.” (Male to female)
  (I am going to grope you now.)
•  “Excuse Me.” (Female to male)
  (Don’t even think about groping me, just get the hell out of the way.)
•  “Excuse Me.” (Female to female)
  (Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that, missy, and don’t think for one minute that you are. And get your eyes off of my man, or I’ll slap you like the slut you are.)
•  “What do you have on tap?”
  (What’s cheap?)
•  ”Can I have a white Russian?” (Female)
  (I’m *really* easy.)
• “That person looks really familiar.”
  (Did I sleep with him/her?)
• I don’t have my ID on me.” (Female)
  (I’m 16.)
•  “I don’t have my ID on me.” (Male)
  (I don’t have a license since I got pulled over and blew a 0.4 after my last visit here)

“The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind”.–Humphrey Bogart                 DRUNK TEST    A police officer pulls over this guy who’s been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy’s window and says, “Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube.“The man says, “Sorry, officer, I can’t do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I’ll have a really bad asthma attack.”“Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample.”
“I can’t do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I’ll bleed to death.”“Well, then, we need a urine sample.”
“I’m sorry, officer, I can’t do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I’ll get really low blood sugar.”“All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line.”
“I can’t do that, officer.”“Why not?”
“Because I’m drunk.”                                                                                                                                                                                                                        “Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink”. –Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
”Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it”. –His reply                                                                                       “Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me”. –Winston Churchill                                                                                                                                                                                          I found most of these at this website, I think, the memory is pretty blurred.  http://www.lifeisajoke.com/alcohol22_html.htm

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