Funny travel jokes and hilarious travel humor

• A mother and her son were flying TWA from Kansas to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and said, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?” The mother (who couldn’t think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?” The stewardess asked, “Did your mother tell you to ask me?” He said that she had. So she said, “Tell your mother that TWA always pulls out on time.” 

• Two men got out of their cars after they collided at an intersection. One took a flask from his pocket and said to the other, “Here, maybe you’d like a nip to calm your nerves.” “Thanks,” he said, and took a long pull from the container. “Here, you have one, too,” he added, handing back the whiskey. “Well, I’d rather not,” said the first. “At least not until after the police have been here.”

• Heard on a public transportation vehicle in Orlando.“ When you exit the bus, please be sure to lower your head and watch your step.” “If you miss your step and hit your head, please lower your voice and watch your language. Thank you.” 

• Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town’s name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee. “Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are… very slowly?  The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiing.”       

• From a Southwest Airlines employee…. “Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling.  Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.”  

• An elderly couple was driving cross-country, and the woman was driving. She gets pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer says, “Ma’am, did you know you were speeding?” The woman turns to her husband and asks, “What did he say?” The old man yells, “HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING.” The patrolman says, “May I see your license?” The woman turns to her husband and asks, “What did he say?” The old man yells, “HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE.” The woman gives him her license. The patrolman says, “I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once, had the worst sex with a woman I have ever had.” The woman turns to her husband and asks, “What did he say?” “HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU,” the old man yells.  

• A father, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family at the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his daughter out for a drive in the car. One particular Sunday however, he was so full of cold that he really didn’t feel like driving at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and decided that for this week she would take their daughter out. They returned just before lunch and the little girl ran upstairs to see her father.
  “Well” the father asked, “did you enjoy your ride with mummy?”” Oh yes Daddy” the girl replied, “and do you know what… we didn’t see a single bastard!”  

• Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After a hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant: “What was the problem?”
  “The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,” explained the flight attendant,” and it took us a while to find a new pilot.”

• Her father was very angry when he heard that his twenty year old daughter had hitch hiked all alone, all the way from San Francisco to Washington.  “For gods sake!” he screamed, “Someone could have attacked you and raped you!”  “I wasn’t ever in no danger at all”, she said, trying to calm him down. “As soon as someone gave me a ride, I said I was going to Washington, because that’s where they have the best treatment for sexually transmitted diseases.”

• A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, “Sir, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?” The man gets really indignant and says, “Officer, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts.

• An airline pilot finishes talking to the passengers after the plane has taken off, and forgets to turn off the intercom. He said to the co-pilot, “I think I’ll go take a dump and then put the make on that new blonde stewardess.” The stewardess hears it, and runs up the aisle to tell him the intercom is still on. She trips and falls in her haste. A little old lady looks down at her and says, “There’s no rush, honey. He said he had to take a dump first.”

• A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible. It’s too hot. It’s too cold. The accommodations are awful. The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. “Good luck will be followin’ ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone,” the guide said. “Unfortunately, it’s being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow.” “We can’t be here tomorrow,” the nasty woman shouted. “We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can’t kiss the stupid stone.” “Well now,” the guide said, “it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you’ll have the same good fortune.” “AndI suppose you’ve kissed the stone,” the woman scoffed. “No, ma’am,” the frustrated guide said, “but I’ve sat on it.”